im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we're making bets on your personal life
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
