i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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