i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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