I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
