my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
