Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I puked a lego.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
