Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
