This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
