just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
