I will die if light touches me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
