glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
