theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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