don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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