Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
