If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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