Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
