here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
