I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
