you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
