i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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