Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
