There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
