The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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