Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
