You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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