I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Small penises have feelings too.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
