"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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