And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
