Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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