Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
