def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
