I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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