her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
