The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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