Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
