I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
