toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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