I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize