Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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