My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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