Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize