we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
