promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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