in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Houston, we have a squirter
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize