He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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