I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
