im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
