All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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