It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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