Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
