i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
