so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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