Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize