I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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