Cold hands, warm shart.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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