You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
