i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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