I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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