Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
