So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
