Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
